Wednesday, 8 March 2017


Do you ever feel like you're exactly where you aren't supposed to be? Doing things you don't want to be, only leading you to a life you're already tired of? Things just CANNOT look up, like... ever? ME. I've been out of university for about a year now and I'm still living the unemployed life (funemployed for a bit, but fun is no longer). When I tell people this, they automatically feel bad for me because they assume that the job market is horrific, hence why I haven't found one yet, but the truth is... I haven't applied. Why? I wish I could tell you, I wish I even had a clue, and I wish even more for me to snap out of it. I spend numerous hours slaving away working my part-time retail job endlessly wondering, "WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF????
To be quite honest with you, within the past year, on a vacation I expected nothing from, I met a guy. A guy I somehow managed to develop really strong feelings for in the first time in my life, despite my 22 year single streak (wild right? I was doing so well!). Anyway, he doesn't even live in the same country as me and visiting him allowed me to put my real world problems on hold. I started to imagine (and low key plan) a future with him, shifting my plans and goals to be with him. We got really close, built such a special relationship, and as of like a week ago... it's over. I lost my escape and now have to deal with the real world. I've spent a lot of time overthinking and I think I've come down to it - I'm scared. Terrified, actually. Transitioning from student to real world adult is the most terrifying thing to me. I'm scared of taking risks and the failure that could potentially follow. To me, I don't see failing as "potential" but like definite. I really don't know when I started to let fear dictate my life, but it's here and I've got to deal with it before I inflict anymore dread on my poor 23 year old body. When I listen to friends talking about "settling" in their relationships, I'm usually disgusted, and the first one to preach about their self worth and what they deserve (recently learned that I should learn how to take my own advice). So why the fudge am I letting myself settle in my very own life? It's really frustrating and a constant internal debate, but I think I'm finally ready to take the risk. Well, I might not be but I think I'm going to use this blog as a way for me to hold myself accountable. I think 2017 has a lot of learning in store for me - maaaaybe because i slacked so hard in university, but I hope I'll be able to see the benefits eventually.